so it's been two years

this poor blog.


i should probably just leave well enough alone…but i can’t.


i started this blog in 2006 and between the demands of work, family, a multi-state move, depression, an unexpected pregnancy, advocacy projects and graduate school i have never been able to follow through with it. 


i have no idea whether anybody still follows this blog but i want to give it another go. blogger and i have never been friends so i have resurrected my blog at this address: http://www.first-fig.com. i have backdated some posts that i have written elsewhere and in the future will try my hardest to treat this blog the way that i would like to be treated.


i am not so naive to think that this time will be different…


but i am hopeful.

What my daughter learned in church today

What's wrong with this picture?

Here's a hint...

A Different Road

So remember that time I said I was going to post everyday for a month and then I almost missed Friday and actually missed Saturday? Yeah, well I'm coming to the realization that maybe I set to high of a goal. It's just impossible for me to write thoughtful posts everyday with two very active toddlers. Also, life has given me an unexpected opportunity that will make that goal increasingly difficult. Oh, it's nothing bad, I'm actually quite excited about it and I'll tell you more about it in the coming weeks.

Please accept my sincerest apologies for my flakiness. Hopefully this will mean that instead of stressing out about getting something up everyday, I can focus instead on writing things that you will actually want to read.

My little sister is a big fan of Def Jam Poetry. Earlier this week she posted a poem on her blogthat literally took my breath away. It was as if the poet had looked into my mind and translated onto the page everything I think, feel, fear about being a mother.

I'm not sure I've ever felt so vulnerable as I did when I read this poem and saw every aspect of myself there. And yet, I saw the beauty and complexity in what I'm endeavoring, in how I'm going about mothering. And I had hope for the first time in a long time that I will not destroy my children in this process. I saw that my questions and silence, ambivalence and depression, fears and devotion are what make me a mother.

And so on this Mother's Day I share with you, myself.

Apology to My Unborn

i fear that you will never sleep

that like these fingers long and too thin

to hold rings and commitments

you will inherit your mother’s insomnia

her restless spirit

child, i wish I could quiet all your questions

tell you the exact number of stars

show you where the moon goes at sunrise

i wish i could temper your fear of good byes

prove that the earth spins regardless of whether or not you are awake to see it

i wish i could give you one morning worth rising for

I pray that you can close your eyes

see the world through the only thing i have fit to pass down to you

this heart of a dreamer

but i want you stronger sooner

want you kind and brave

want you unafraid to fight

for what you believe and need

want you beautiful and free

i want you nothing like your mother

this girl trembling before each new day

frightened of herself love

this girl who finds the word ‘woman’ a cloak too heavy to don

most days

you deserve someone who carries the moniker like banner

wears it easy like sun in summer

but, child, what can i tell you of peace

when you were probably conceived in a cacophony of questions

still i think of you as possible

can almost smell the breath of god light against you skin

can hear you, softness, eyes closed laughing

real as the beating staccato against my chest

but future, i fear if i

cling too fiercely to your unconditional

that i will bruise you

because i can not hold my breath long enough to shrug off these imperfections

i wonder, if they will make me too nervous to nurse you

leave me unable to find a place where just loving you is enough

child I will begin counting those same stars

and in dreams these arms will hold you

whisper you soft into a still slumber

these hands, small and strong, like your grandmother

will build for you a world of colored things

will pray, palms towards the heaven, for a quiet

without the tumble and chaos of

words and worry

child i pray that you know

that though feared, you are wanted

know how you’ve lived lifetimes in this hollow expansion of breath

know how easy you’ll fit

in my spaces

need you to know this now before time and distances help me

to forget to tell you often enough

i hope that we will not be too much like shadow and brick

voices thrown against walls

these hands are tired of building

and child i hope you will forgive my quiet

those moments when i just can’t find the words to speak

i hope my silences don’t scare you

won’t have you questioning your worth

have you turning towards friends and strangers for comfort

i want you to like me

to know me

to know that there are moments when i will wrestle with moments

that shade my best intentions

moments like now

your mother

lays awake

watching, yet, another morning from the wrong side

practicing slow this breathing that will usher you one day into this world

here, i can, almost conjure up a proper image of you

i still fear that you will never know peace

but i already know i need your laughter

need the gentle curve of your fingers

need your eyes locked on mine

need you here now for balance

but my future,

i will deny you your right to exist

before i pass on this

cracked soul of a storyteller

you deserve more than

this threat of me as your mother

still attempting my own world of colored things

so child, just promise me that you will be, eventually

i need your possibility

like i need a night worth sleeping for

-Bassey Ikpi

(You can see a video of the author performing her poem here.)

Walking Home

I almost forgot to post today. It was a crazy busy day but I made a promise to post every day and a promise is a promise.

I don't have anything profound to say, also, I'm in the middle of spring cleaning. So instead of a post, I present you with this really cool video. It's a look into what women go through every time they walk down the street. It constantly surprises me the number of men who feel that it is their right to comment and objectify women's bodies. And it doesn't matter who you are or what you look like, if you are a woman you can expect to be cat-called at one time or another. Without fail, every time I go out walking, with my double stroller no less, somebody honks or yells, "hey, baby" out of the window.

If men really knew how this feels, really understood what we have to do in our minds to make this ok, they would never say another disrespectful thing. I think this video does a beautiful job of showing this. I hope you enjoy.

Weekly Anti-Woman Wacko

It's that time again, time for me to highlight an anti-woman wacko who made news this week.

I read an op-ed in the New York Times earlier this week that was so full of chauvinism, cultural imperialism and xenophobia it made me sick to my stomach. Jean-Francois Cope is the president of a major French political party and the mayor of Meaux. During his career he was also the Minister of the Budget and the spokesperson for the French government. Cope is an influential leader in France but unfortunately he uses that influence to trample on the rights of Muslim women.

For those who don't know, a number of European countries and cities have passed, or are in the process of passing laws that would prohibit women from wearing face veils such as the burqa or niqab in public. The justification for such a law is that "[the face covering] is a mask, a mask worn at all times, making identification or participation in economic and social life virtually impossible."

Except that women who wear burqas do participate in economic and social life. Several months ago I took a crochet class from one of the local yarn stores. Two of my classmates were young girls, both wearing hair & face coverings. They participated like all the other members of the class, they were affable and funny young women and did not seem at all hindered by the fact that most of their face was covered. Women all over the world go to school, shop for groceries and contribute to society all while wearing veils.

Cope then goes onto say that the burqa is a safety risk:

This face covering poses a serious safety problem at a time when security cameras play an important role in the protection of public order. An armed robbery recently committed in the Paris suburbs by criminals dressed in burqas provided an unfortunate confirmation of this fact. As a mayor, I cannot guarantee the protection of the residents for whom I am responsible if masked people are allowed to run about.

The fallacy in this type of argument is astounding. Since one person wore a burqa to commit armed robbery it must follow that everyone wearing a burqa will commit armed robbery.

You're probably saying to yourself, "c'mon, mraynes, no person in their right mind would think that Muslim women are like criminals just because they wear a face veil." But wait for it...

The visibility of the face in the public sphere has always been a public safety requirement. It was so obvious that until now it did not need to be enshrined in law. But the increase in women wearing the niqab, like that of the ski mask favored by criminals, changes that. We must therefore adjust our law, without waiting for the phenomenon to spread.

Yep, he just made the argument that women in niqabs might be criminals. I'm also really looking forward to the new legislation the French National Assembly will propose...banning the ski mask.

And it just gets worse.

How can you establish a relationship with a person who, by hiding a smile or a glance — those universal signs of our common humanity — refuses to exist in the eyes of others?...But the niqab and burqa represent a refusal to exist as a person in the eyes of others. The person who wears one is no longer identifiable; she is a shadow among others, lacking individuality, avoiding responsibility.

I really have no words for how wrong this is. A woman in a burqa has no humanity? Because this man cannot gaze upon her face she has no individuality and so she ceases to exist? Really? And I love that instead of acknowledging his own bias against this Muslim dress, instead of acknowledging his own failure in seeing the humanity in another human being when they wear a burqa or nijab, he instead blames the woman. Yes, this covered woman makes you see her as non-human. Yes, that makes sense.

There are so many problematic things in this editorial. For example, saying that this isn't religious discrimination. Because you know, so many non-Muslim French women are walking down the street in burqas. And then there's the title, "Tearing Away the Veil". I think really helps Cope in his assertion that this is a benevolent law that will uphold "the dignity of women." As a woman, I can confirm that my dignity doesn't at all suffer when men or laws tear pieces of my clothing off my body.

One of Cope's more cogent arguments is that "[i]ndividual liberty is vital, but individuals, like communities, must accept compromises that are indispensable to living together, in the name of certain principles that are essential to the common good." I agree, part of peacefully living in society is compromising with our neighbors. But it is not compromise if one party is forced to give something up without receiving anything in return. So what will Muslim women be gaining in return for giving up their religious and cultural custom?

It speaks volumes that Cope does not provide one way in which this law will benefit Muslim women. Rather, it proves that the health, happiness and rights of women were not the first priority in drafting this legislation. It is ironic that French leaders believe that the burqa ban will increase the visibility, responsibility and dignity of Muslim women. In reality, this ban will further push Muslim women to the margins of society. Yes, there will be some women who choose to take the burqa off but there will be just as many who are cloistered in their homes, unable to leave because of their religious and cultural beliefs. So what, exactly, is making these women invisible?

I have to say at this point that I hate the idea of the burqa and nijab. I think they are horrible customs based on the oppression of women. That being said, it is not my right, or anybody else's to dictate how another woman worships her god.

The law that Jean-Francois Cope is proposing is just as repressive and misogynistic as the veil itself. Both the burqa and burqa ban are tools of patriarchal institutions, making women invisible and denying them the right to choose. We like to get up on our Western high-horse and proclaim our enlightened thinking, our commitment to equal rights for women. But oppression is oppression whether it comes in the form of clothing or laws that deny the right of women to control their own bodies.

Random thought...by mraynes

Was it painful for Mrs. Incredible, a.k.a. Elastigirl, to give birth?